A Fine Line, Methinks

Carmela Soprano: He's a good man. He's a good father.
Dr. Krakower: You tell me he's a depressed criminal, prone to anger, serially unfaithful. Is that your definition of a good man?... You must trust your initial impulse and consider leaving him. You'll never be able to feel good about yourself. You'll never be able to quell the feelings of guilt and shame that you talked about, so long as you're his accomplice.
Carmela: You're wrong about the accomplice part, though.
Dr. Krakower: You sure?
Carmela: All I did was make sure he's got clean clothes in his closet and dinner on his table.
Dr. Krakower: So "enable" would be a more accurate job description for what you do than "accomplice". My apologies.

—The Sopranos, "Second Opinion" (4/8/01)

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A friend of mine was telling me a little bit about the dynamics in her family. She's met my family and thinks that our willingness to yell at each other (when necessary) is a little on the weird side. My argument is that it's a reasonably healthy way to go, because at least you know where everyone stands and there's none of that weirdness where everyone tapdances around everyone else and nobody says anything because of how someone will react. You know what? They're going to react anyway, so get it over with.

But something she said struck me, and I've been pondering it for a couple of days, now. She said that "We complain about each other all the time, but we're also very supportive of one another.  I know that I can call any member of my family at any time and they'll come a running."

This was a paraphrase. The idea behind what she'd said was that, even though they bitch about one another, there's also a whole support system going on there should someone who is outside the family do some sort of injury to one of them. The specific phrasing ran along the lines of "my family, right or wrong" and intimated that anything that happens, happens TO them. There is no fault in this family, no responsibility. There are no errors here. There are only outside influences which are going to somehow disturb the family dynamic or some such. I got the feeling that even people who marry into this family remain forever on the fringes, somehow.

(For a "throwaway" conversation that took place a day ago, I thought about it way too much.)

But with this sort of attitude, what happens when a family member does go wrong? How do they handle the one whose activity goes criminal? The alcoholic? The one who doesn't react appropriately to frustration or failure? The drug abuser? The one who refuses to grow up? The one who sleeps around? The bipolar one? 

When does "support" stop being support and become a form of codependence? Where does the distinction get made? And who decides? What if someone in that family unit decides that this is, indeed, an unhealthy situation and tries to break out? Do they become the "black sheep" of the family? Do they wind up with the ties cut off?

It's a curious thought, isn't it.