Dibala: Don't ask me questions you don't want to know the answers to.
--House, M. D., “The Tyrant” (10/5/09)
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It’s time once again for Mister Answer Guy, who takes the hardest of questions and provides answers that sound almost like he knows what he might be talking about.
Q: Can you use a quotation from a blacklisted author to explain why you say “once again” when you’ve never done this before?
A: Certainly. To quote Ring Lardner, “’Shut up,’ he explained.”
Q: Has baseball ever killed anyone?
A: Raymond Johnson Chapman of the Cleveland Indians was hit in the head by a pitch and died a day later. This was in 1920, so presumably they’ve worked out that particular kink in the game.
Q: What do the following bands have in common: Marshall Tucker Band, Steely Dan, Derek and the Dominoes, Eve 6, Fountains of Wayne?
A: Oddly, they all have a person’s name but there’s no person by that name in the band.
Q: Which Yankee manager never won a game in Yankee Stadium?
A: This is a trick question. Bill Virdon’s entire career as a Yankee manager took place during the 1974-75 seasons, during which the Yanks played their home games in Shea Stadium while Yankee stadium was being remodeled.
Q: Speaking of the Yankees, why are Baltimore Orioles fans so hostile toward the Yankees?
A: If I had to guess, it’s jealousy. The original Baltimore Orioles moved to New York in 1901 and were re-named the New York Highlanders. In 1913 they became the Yankees. Meanwhile we’re stuck with a great stadium and this suck-fest of a team.
Q: What is the Lone Ranger’s real name?
A: Don’t be stupid. He’s fictional.
Q: You did so well with the first musical question, here’s another. What do these acts have in common: Tom Jones, Sheena Easton, Duran Duran, Paul McCartney & Wings, Carly Simon?
A: I’ll let you percolate on that one a little first.
Q: Do you remember Monty Python and the Holy Grail?
A: Of course I do. Next ques—
Q: Wait, I wasn’t done yet. There’s a scene where a guy suggests that “very small rocks” can float. Was he right?
A: Hey, if it’s in a Monty Python bit it must be true. But yes, pumice is a rock that floats.
Q: Back to that musical question. What if I added Shirley Bassey to the list?
A: Then the answer is obviously, “James Bond”.
Q: Is there something wrong with Michelangelo’s “David”?
A: Well…other than being a Jewish boy who hasn’t been circumcised, no.
Q: I have a glass of champagne and a raisin. How can I keep myself amused for awhile?
A: Drop the raisin in the glass of champagne. Amusement will ensue.
Q: What is the international area code for Antarctica?
A: That would be 672.
That’s it for today, kiddies. Feel free to email me if you have any other questions you’d like to see answered in this space!
Here's one for you, Claude: What do the following musical groups have in common? Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods, J. Geils Band, Dave Clark 5, and Paul Revere & The Raiders?
Posted by: Nick Koliarakis | August 04, 2010 at 02:37 PM
Oh, and one other thing. I remember a story on RealSports on HBO during which a line drive foul ball actually did kill the batting team's first or third base coach (actually, I think it was the former) in a minor league game in the reasonably recent past (within the past decade, I think). Bummer that such a thing happened.
Posted by: Nick Koliarakis | August 04, 2010 at 02:42 PM
Nick: I'm stuck. Every time I come up with a possible answer, I go look it up and there's exactly one band that confounds that answer. So I'm going to guess: No hits until after a lineup change?
The foul ball hit was on first-base coach Mike Coolbaugh, about three years ago. So while they've worked out the PITCHING kinks, the HITTING kinks still need to be worked on. Also, you're right: he was a coach in the minors and I should have specified Major League Baseball rather than just "baseball".
Posted by: Claude | August 06, 2010 at 10:42 PM
Very fun!
Posted by: Cheerleader | August 10, 2010 at 08:08 AM
Wow. I've been reading your stuff for about a year now and this is basically the only sh*t I dont agree with. Give atleast a little credit where credit is due. Kobe got his ass kicked by this so called fluke. So what? Chill out. No one said the Rockets were the best team.
Interesting bit of spam. It's thoughtful and incisive, and yet has nothing to do with the post. --C
Posted by: supra foot | October 14, 2011 at 05:56 PM