Eh, Not So Bad, Maybe. (Part II)

Franklin Bean: What are you singing, Petey?
Petey: Erm... I just kind of made it up as I went along, really.
Franklin Bean: That's just weak songwriting! You wrote a bad song, Petey!

—Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009)

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This past weekend, AOL Radio released a list of the 100 songs that they considered to be the worst ever.

Stuff like these lists are pretty subjective, so I usually give them a pass, but there were some songs whose presence (in my opinion, anyway) wasn’t strictly necessary. Part of the problem, I think, comes from the fact that we really don’t have much idea what criteria were used to select this particular batch, other than a comment at the top about how “it takes all sorts of half-baked musical ideas, crimes of imaging over talent or reliance on quickly burned-out trends to land on [their] list.” Which is fine, but then a little explanation to go with the songs themselves, rather than some aren’t-we-too-clever commentary, would probably go a longer way toward explaining their presence.

So here are the Bottom 50 of the list, along with some commentary of my own. I’ll post Part I of this report, featuring the top 50, in another day or two.

 

100. “My First Kiss”, 3OH!3 featuring Kesha. Meh. One of those pairings that did nothing for me.

99. “This is Why I’m Hot”, Mims. I rather like East Coast rap that’s about the self-affirmation. I could do without the over-reliance on him rapping the title, plus his frequent dropping of the N-bomb.

98. “Looking for Freedom”, David Hasselhoff. ‘Nuff said.

97. “The Girl is Mine”, Paul McCartney & Michael Jackson. I don’t know, this one isn’t awful. They could have done without the “witty banter” close to the end of the song, and it would have improved matters a lot.

96. “You’re Beautiful”, James Blunt. Cloying as hell, but did you know the version you’re probably hearing all the time is edited? Jimmy drops the F-bomb right in the middle of it. It’s also kind of funny because it’s one of those songs that guys would probably put on mixtapes (CDs, iPod playlists, whatever) for their girlfriends without realizing that it’s about unrequited love.

95. “Mambo Number 5”, Lou Bega. I kind of like this one, but I have a fond memory of it involving an eight-year-old girl and a carnival ride, so maybe I’m biased.

94. “America A O”, Aaron Carter. This one only gets a pass because it’s from 2002 and everyone was still sorting stuff out.

93. “Jenny From the Block”, Jennifer Lopez. She had such a reputation that nobody was buying the conceit behind this one. But we did get that cool Shepard Smith blooper as a result.

92. “Escape (The Piña Colada Song")”, Rupert Holmes. Yeah, I guess if you’re going to list it at all, it should be down here. There are bigger crimes out there than this one.

91. “Here Comes the Hotstepper”, Ini Kamoze. I tired of this one pretty quickly, too, especially the “lyrics” he nicked from Cannibal and the Headhunters. Really?

90. “Heartbeat”, Don Johnson. Well…it’s no worse than Swayze’s “She’s Like the Wind”. Oddly enough, that didn’t require a spoiler alert.

89. “Cherry Pie”, Warrant. This one is really just nothing new. If you weren’t listening closely, you’d think it was the bastard child of Def Leppard and Bon Jovi.

88. “Thong Song”, Sisqo. It’s just boring, man.

87. “The Fast Food Song”, Fast Food Rockers. Have you noticed that we’re already up to three songs that have called themselves “_______ Song”? Just sayin’. This, at least, is an artist whose name suggests strongly that there won’t be a follow-up single.

86. “Cotton Eye Joe”, Rednex. It’s a tough song to screw up, and yet…

85. “Girl You Know it’s True”, Milli Vanilli. In my head, anything Milli Vanilli is automatically disqualified, so this one is off the list.

84. “Popozao”, Kevin Federline. What? Did this song even chart? The album spent one week at #151 and then dropped off altogether. Why is this song here? This is like listing my rendition of “These Boots are Made for Walkin’” recorded on Karaoke Night.

83. “Feelings”, Morris Albert. It ranked this LOW?

82. “Some Girls (Dance With Women)”, JC Chasez. The best thing about this song is that his monotone voice gets lost in the mix.

81. “Get Ready for This”, 2 Unlimited. I wouldn’t have listed this one. It seems like the only reason they put it on the list is because of its ubiquity in sports arenas. I kind of like it, but these are subjective after all.

80. “My Humps”, Black Eyed Peas. There aren’t many songs out there that can make “Baby Got Back” look classy.

79. “The Hamster Dance Song”, Roger Miller and Hampton, Dixie, Hado & Fuzzy. One of our earliest memes and the grandfather of the Rickroll. And this is song #4 with “Song” as part of the title.

78. “Tie A Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Old Oak Tree”, Tony Orlando and Dawn. I don’t mind the song so much. What bugs me is the way it’s constantly misused, because it’s misunderstood. The guy in the song was in prison because he was a criminal. Putting up ribbons for folks in the military shows a lack of awareness, I think. I’m pretty sure that the first widespread use of the ribbons was for the Iranian hostages in 1979-80. At least it made some sense in that context.

77. “Butterfly”, Crazytown. I have to agree with AOL on this one; I like the source material much better.

76. “Electric Boogie”, Marcia Griffiths. No kidding, this song and a few others like it are the reason I quit being a mobile DJ.

75. “Break My Stride”, Matthew Wilder. Another one I wouldn’t have listed. I dig this song, despite its cartoony-ness.

74. “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”, Band Aid. If it sounds like it was thrown together very quickly, that’s only because it was. This may have to go on my annual “bitching about Christmas songs” post.

73. “Tootsee Roll”, 69. Another crappy line dance that—thank god—faded away.

72. “(Can’t Live Without Your) Love and Affection”, Nelson. You know, Nelson would have been a better act if only…forget it, I got nothin’.

71. “Puttin’ On The Ritz”, Taco. I’ll give him this much: Taco brought Irving Berlin back to a bunch of people who otherwise would have known nothing about him. However, I much prefer this version:

70. “The Lady in Red”, Chris DeBurgh. This guy reminds me of Michael Bolton in that they both had an actual rock and roll career before a chart-blasting ballad turned them into sensitive guys. Another bit of poison for mobile DJs: this is one of about three songs that will get a guy to dance with his girlfriend/wife, so women request it all the time, regardless of what they’re wearing.

69. “Liquid Dreams”, O-Town. Here’s a trivia bit for you: this song reached #1 on the Billboard sales chart without ever making it to the airplay chart.

68. “Hold My Hand”, Hootie and the Blowfish. Their first hit but far from their best, which was…hell. I got nothin’ again.

67. “Rumors”, Lindsay Lohan. Even the opening music is bad. If you start to play this song, you’ll shut it off before she even opens her mouth.

66. “How Bizarre”, OMC. I know I probably shouldn’t, but I kind of like this one too. It’s quirky.

65. “Whoomp! (There It Is)”, Tag Team. The best thing about this song was all the people who were unsure about how “Whoomp” was supposed to be spelled.

64. “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”, Deep Blue Something. Come on! This song was about one of Mickey Rooney’s finest performances!

63. “Seasons in the Sun”, Terry Jacks. I have a soft spot for this song for two reasons: first, because it’s one of the first singles I bought with my own money, and second, because of the performance of this song that Roseanne (Arnold, then) did along with Laurie Metcalf on her show.

62. “Supermodel (You Better Work)”, RuPaul. It’s not that good or bad, it’s really just so typical. If being RuPaul is the best gimmick you’ve got, the song needs to be a hell of a lot better.

61. “Walk the Dinosaur”, Was (Not Was). Another one where I should know better, but I just dig it. Boom! Boom! Lacka-lacka-lacka-boom! Also, the dancers in the video just look like they’re having so much fun, it’s kind of infectious.

60. “Make ‘em Say ‘Uh’”, Master P. I think this made the list based on spelling alone.

59. “From a Distance”, Bette Midler. Typical overwraught noise. And is that an electric harpsichord I hear?

58. “American Life”, Madonna. Well…interesting. But not necessarily rising to the level of bad. She tried something, it didn’t quite work out.

57. “Boom Boom "(Let’s Go Back to My Room)”, Paul Lekakis. At least he’s straightforward. The 90’s answer to “Your place or mine?”, thus dispensing with that little mystery.

56. “Love Will Keep Us Together”, Captain and Tennille. Hey, it’s a Neil Sedaka song (hence the “Sedaka is back” sung at the end). And it beats the holy living hell out of “Muskrat Love”.

55. “It Wasn’t Me”, Shaggy. Heh. I love this song because the verse melody is so catchy. And the chorus part is so dumb.

54. “Disco Duck”, Rick Dees. You know, some songs you like at the time and then later on you wonder what you liked about it. This isn’t one of them. I hated this song in 1976 and I hate it now.

53. “Summer Girls”, LFO. I get the feeling that this is supposed to be a kind of callback to Will Smith’s “Summertime”, but if it is, it failed miserably.

52. “The Ketchup Song”, Las Ketchup. (Five.) Another act whose name suggests that we’re not likely to be blessed with their presence again.

51. “You Light Up My Life”, Debby Boone. Most people picture this song as the genesis for the movie starring Didi Conn lip-synching Boone’s recording, but the fact is, the film came out first and the work that was lip-synched was done by Kasey Cisyk. Boone was recruited to record the single and the two came out almost simultaneously. This is how bad the movie was: the song was considered its strongest feature.

Stay Tuned! It only gets worse!

Comments

[brainbuildinggames]

excellent list! agree with some of those list

[yellojkt]

That is a lot of bad songs. I'm glad there are some I've never heard of.

[Nick Koliarakis]

Re. the songs on this list...

"The Girl Is Mine" - I never had a problem with it.
"Escape (The Pina Colada Song) - This was not a "crime", IMO. I thought it deserved to be #1 on Billboard (which it did reach). IIRC, this was the final Billboard #1 of the 1970s.
"Cherry Pie" - Great musically. Lyrics strictly for younger teens (i.e. not particularly sophisticated).
"Girl You Know It's True" - Agreed re. Milli Vanilli.
"Feelings" - It was a standard for some time but has become forgotten.
Even though the singer, Morris Albert, is a fellow Brazilian, it doesn't seem to have had the stuff that a great song (as opposed to a merely good song) needs to endure.
"Tie a Yellow Ribbon..." - I don't mind the song myself. I can see why people might thnk it uncool because it has quickly become a favorite of the "Lawrence Welk" genre.
"Do They Know It's Christmas?" - I give Mr. Geldof and company credit for doing something to help people, though I remember some haughty doofus who prided himself on his intellect berate Geldof for the fact that he had what the guy called a "dopey expression" and was up for the Nobel Peace Prize. What has the doofus himself done for humanity?! I think this was also the song that kicked off the "pop charity" trend that was so prevalent in the 1980s.
"The Lady In Red" - Funny you should mention this. I just danced to this song with my girlfriend the other night! It is odd to have seen DeBurgh do this after he had done the very different "Don't Pay The Ferryman".
"Putting on the Ritz" - Agreed regarding younger people being exposed to Irving Berlin.
Will write more later.

[Nick Koliarakis]

Part 2 of my comments...

“Breakfast at Tiffany’s” – Agreed. I don’t know how it made the list. This was one of my faves in an era where I had more or less stopped following popular music – save for major hits (e.g. “The Macarena”) and the odd hit single (e.g. “Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve).

“Seasons in the Sun” – I believe that the Beach Boys (of all groups!) were originally supposed to record this. I didn’t pay close enough attention to the song when I first heard it on the radio. I bought the single (along with “Jet” by Paul McCartney and Wings). I listened to it after playing “Jet” and became quite sad when I realized it was about a dying man! In fact, I believe that the original poem that Jacques Brel wrote was called “Le Moribund” (“The Dying Man”).

“Walk The Dinosaur” – I remember hearing this at a friend’s wedding in 1989 for what I believe was the first time. I agree - it WAS pretty cool.

“From A Distance” – I don’t mind the song. But I get the feeling that the schmaltzy tone of it (not unlike a lot of other sentimental tunes of the last 30-40 years) is what turns people off. A weird habit I have when I hear the song, is to substitute the Spanish word “tocadiscos” (which means “record player”) for “From A Distance”. It sounds good to me that way for some reason.

“Boom Boom” – This was pretty explicit as I remember it. But it was nothing new really as it was AMAZING what you could get away with playing on hit radio stations way before this came out (e.g. “Physical” by Olivia Newton-John, “December 1963” by the Four Seasons, “Go All The Way” by the Raspberries).

“Disco Duck” – A song I liked at the time it was popular. But when I heard it again years later, I had all but forgotten about it – much less what made it so appealing to begin with.

“Love Will Keep Us Together” – The kind of song that hardcore acid rock and heavy metal fans will treat with the utmost contempt. I myself do not have that cavalier (and EXTREMELY immature) attitude. But I can still hear the derision that such people (tough kids at school, largely) would give you if they heard you singing the song.

“You Light Up My Life” – I actually remember this most fondly because of the fact that my Dad (GRHS) would sing this in his broken English! He would leave out the word “Up” to boot (i.e. “You Light My Life”)! The man has been gone for 25 years and I miss his doing stuff like that. :.-(