Ending the Madness

Alex Russo: What was that name of the song? "Stop, You're Hurting My Ears?"

—Wizards of Waverly Place, “Make It Happen” (1/1/09)

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For those just tuning in, I’ve spent the last week or so looking at a list of songs that AOL Radio deemed to be the 100 worst. As far as I was concerned, there were a bunch of holes in the logic and  songs that just didn’t belong on the list for one reason or another (worst reason: it wasn’t released as a single).

Worse yet, there were several songs which I felt belonged on the list and were egregiously overlooked. A few of you had some suggestions (both here and on Facebook), and we’ll get to those as well. Some of the songs that were suggested already appeared on the AOL list (“Seasons in the Sun,” “Disco Duck”), so I won’t address those in this space.

Anyway: let’s take a look at fifteen of the the Bad Songs That AOL Missed. Numbering notwithstanding, these are in no particular order:

1. “I’ve Never Been To Me”, Charlene. This is one of those woulda-coulda songs that was released and did nothing, then was re-released a few (in this case, five) years later and became a hit. This is another reason not to like Scott Shannon; this re-release is his fault.
2. “Lovin’ You”, Minnie Riperton. This one appeared on a couple of the lists that people sent to me. Is it the chirping birds throughout the record? The high F note (which, we hear, can set off bombs)? The cheesy lyrics? I’m voting for all of the above.
3. “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)”, Rupert Holmes. OK, so here’s yet another song with the parentheses in the title, which makes me crazy anyway. But there’s no real fallout in this song, namely the fact that both the narrator and his wife were planning on fucking around on each other, but find it funny when they both figure this out. Really? This wouldn’t have started the fight from hell?
4. “Float On”, The Floaters. Putting aside the fact that a “floater” never refers to anything pleasant, we also have what’s essentially a series of 1970s pickup lines/lonelyhearts club postings punctuated by the same boring chorus.
5. “Run Joey Run”, David Geddes. This would have been in my Top Ten. It’s the story of a guy who falls in love with a girl and gets her pregnant (in the 70s this could only be implied). Her father, kind and understanding fellow that he is, beats her up and, when the boy goes to help her, the father shoots at him and the girl takes the bullet. And the chorus gives Minnie Riperton a run for the money on the shrillness meter. One of the last of the Teen Death Splatter Platters.
6. “Annie’s Song”, John Denver. I can’t explain my dislike of this one; it just grates on me. I actually got into an argument with my girlfriend one time because we were in a place where this was playing over the PA system and she wanted to stay and listen to it, and I wanted to get the hell out of there. Her attraction was because it’s called “Annie’s Song” and her name was (still is, I presume) Anni. That’s not a typo; that’s how she spells it.  
   
   Actually, I feel kind of bad about that argument now.  
   
7. American Pie”, Madonna. This is probably the only cover that I’m putting on the list. So many covers fail to match up to the original, and others are just a product of their era (c.f. “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds” by Elton John, which was also kind of poor) but this was just execrable. Another one in my personal Top Ten.
8. “Every Time I Think of You”, The Babys. I like to think that this song was the reason The Babys broke up.
9. “Gloria”, Laura Branigan. Practically everyone who suggested songs mentioned this one. When I was a Baby DJ on college radio back in the 80s, I played this song specifically so I could scratch the needle across it, tear it off the turntable and shatter it on on the air. I also pulled this stunt with (let’s call it 9A) “Right Back Where We Started From” by Maxine Nightingale. There’s a certain brand of satisfaction that you get with destroying bad records with lots of people listening.
10. “Mr. Roboto”, Styx. Another one that signaled the end of a band’s relevance. And what was up with the lyric “Please, thank you”?
11. “Heartlight”, Neil Diamond. Some people are under the impression that this was written for the film E.T.—The Extra-Terrestrial and just never used. In fact, it was inspired by the movie when Diamond, Carol Bayer Sager and Burt Bachrach went to see the film together. Because of this, they had to pay $25,000 to Universal Studios because of the ideas from the film used in the song. Not nearly enough of a fine, in my head.
12. “We’re Not Gonna Take It”, Twisted Sister. The best thing about this song is that if you don’t listen too carefully, it sounds like a heavy metal cover of “Oh Come All Ye Faithful”.
13. “Color My World”, Chicago. I was in third grade (I think) when this song came out. Even then I knew it was a ripoff. No wonder Terry Kath blew his brains out.
14. “Billy Don’t Be a Hero”, Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods”. OK, so when I was a kid growing up in Kings Park, NY, because of our location midway out on Long Island and on the North Shore, we were able to listen to a lot of radio stations that were broadcasting out of Connecticut, especially Bridgeport. Once in awhile I would tune in to WICC-AM, which still had a Top 40 playlist and in the evenings had a listener-request show hosted by a DJ named Frank Derek. One of the things I got a kick out of hearing on his show was requests for songs that weren’t on the playlist. A listener would call in and request a song and, if it was on the list, Frank would grab the cartridge, jam it into the player and hit the start button. Instant gratification. If it wasn’t on the list, Frank was gracious enough to let them request another song. One night I remember a listener asking for “Come and Get Your Love”. It wasn’t on the survey "(yet), so he gave the guy another chance. “Oh, well, how about Redbone, then?” the guy asked, not realizing that he’d asked for the artist this time instead of the title. All of this has nothing to do with the fact that one night I fell asleep with the radio tuned to WICC, and was awakened very early the next morning by the fife-and-drum intro to “Billy Don’t Be a Hero”. And that was the first time I’d heard it. (What, you have a BETTER “Billy Don’t Be A Hero” story?) The song itself is pretty cheeseball, but the other problem I have with it is that it doesn’t have a good flow; for instance the additional “she said…” before the second chorus. It’s a stumbling block that turns a passable song into a bad one. (I have a feeling that Nick K. will argue this one with me.)
15. “Baby I’m-a Want You”, Bread. This song has the opposite problem from “Billy” in that David Gates had no choice but to add a syllable to the line in order to make it scan right. I actually rather like most of Bread’s stuff (sorry, Laura), but this one can get tossed out. While I’m talking about Bread, let me point to you the song “Everything I Own” (which appears on the same album). On its surface it sounds like a typical “lost love” kind of tune, but it’s really about Gates mourning the loss of his father. Now go back and listen to it again and see how the meaning changes. 

Here are some other songs that were submitted and/or considered:

• “Alone Again (Naturally)”, Gilbert O’Sullivan. There are a lot of sins in this one, especially given that it’s essentially a suicide note. But it’s kind of catchy for such a depressing topic. If I were listing 20 songs (I kind of am, but still), it’d probably make the cut.
• “Honey”, Bobby Goldsboro. I think this one gets a bum rap because it’s pretty sappy (sappy like a tree, see how big it’s grown?). But it’s also kind of clumsy in its execution. This is another song “bubbling under” the list that would have made it into a Top 20.
• “Muskrat Love”, Captain and Tennille. Only gets a pass because it’s a cover. Likewise “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell and “Hooked on a Feeling” by Blue Swede.
• “Heartbeat—It’s A Lovebeat”, The DiFranco Family. I was going to list this one but I decided to give it a pass. It’s the “MMMBop” of its time, and I gave that one the pass. So, fair’s fair.
• “Teen Angel”, Mark Dinning.  Another Teen Death Splatter Platter that didn’t make the Top 15 because I just thought of it. Also because I have a sneaking admiration for the lines “I’ll never kiss your lips again/They buried you today.”

Finally, from the “What the Hell?” Department: this evening I asked Wife about what songs would go on her list, if she was compiling one. Wife doesn’t read this blog (it cuts into her “Real Housewives of _____” viewing, I guess), so she asked me what I was talking about. When I told her what I’d been up to for the past nine or ten days, she offered up four choices, in this order:

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    • “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley;
    • “Love the Way You Lie” by Eminem and Rihanna;
    • “Hey Jude” by The Beatles;
    • “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin.

I can’t really argue with “Crazy”; it’s another one I’d just blocked out. “Love the Way You Lie” would have been a lot better without the Eminem, but those are the breaks.

There wasn’t much reason given for the Beatles tune other than “It’s just….ecch”. But that’s how a lot of things get described, so I’m still not 100% clear on the reasoning. “Stairway to Heaven”, on the other hand, was described as being “too long”. From my standpoint, I say that you’re more than welcome to mock her on Facebook if you’re one of her friends.

This series of posts have been a hell of a ride! Feel free to join in the fun in the Comments section.

Comments

[Laura]

Hey, I'm not a total Bread hater!! And I confess willingly that when I hear America (especially "Ventura Highway"), it still makes me happy in an oddly nostalgic way. As I type this I'm watching Wilco's dvd "Ashes of American Flags" -- so far all the songs are kicking ass.

[Nick Koliarakis]

Okay - my comments...

“I’ve Never Been To Me”, Charlene - Tolerable for me. But I can see why people may dislike this. How was Scott Shannon responsible for releasing this?

“Lovin’ You”, Minnie Riperton - Without a doubt, the MOST flowery, saccharine song I have EVER heard in my life. And that's saying a lot. I thought until relatively recently in my life that the high "F" note was someone whistling. It amazes me that Riperton's range was that high. Still, this song would go on my own "Worst" list.

“Run Joey Run”, David Geddes - This was a personal favorite of mine, overly dramatic or not. "Teen Death Splatter Platter"?? Never heard that one before! It was probably THE last one of those. An interesting aside: Geddes now works as a cinematographer or performs some other behind-the-scenes function for TV or movies. Voice of the girl who said "Daddy please don't..." was his sister, so I understand. But the vocals were not comparable to Riperton's "F" note. I take it you are talking about the "angel voices"?

“Annie’s Song”, John Denver - Would NOT make my list. To each their own, I guess. Some people do like the brand of sentimentality contained within this song. Others don't.

“Every Time I Think of You”, The Babys - Again, would not make my list. When I first heard of the group (without seeing the spelling), I thought to myself, "there's a group with babies in it?". Of course, I knew it couldn't be true - but it was funny for me to contemplate! I saw them perform this on "The Midnight Special" back in the day - and it came off pretty darn good, so I thought. For me, the song is one of the more salient reminders of my high school days and I felt good hearing this tune.

“Gloria”, Laura Branigan - This, like Madonna's "American Pie", is also a cover. It was originally a hit in Italy for a guy named Umberto Tozzi. Would not be on my list. I'd give an edge to the Italian version, however, since it is more toned down. Too bad that Ms. Branigan is no longer with us. May she RIP.

“Right Back Where We Started From” by Maxine Nightingale - I used to think of a harness race going on whenever I heard this. I used to watch "Racing From Roosevelt/Yonkers" when this was popular (I had yet to "convert" to SNL). And the beat of this song reminded me of the trotters/pacers that used to compete at those tracks. Again, not on my list.

Billy Don’t Be a Hero”, Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods” - I am going to take issue on this one. My theory is that the "She said" part was included so as to not give the listener the impression that Bo and company were saying the words "Billy. Don't Be a Hero, etc.". They wanted to make it clear that they were quoting the fiancee. Paper Lace("The Night Chicago Died") had a version of this song that I have never heard. I'm going to look for it.

“Teen Angel”, Mark Dinning - THANK YOU for mentioning this song!!!. This song is SO DEPRESSING!!! There was even an answer disc for this song and others like it (i.e. "Last Kiss", "Tell Laura I Love Her", et al) called "Let's Think About Living". I never heard it, but I'd like to thank the person(s) who wrote and performed it (it was done by a solo singer, IIRC). This would be on my list.

“Heartbeat—It’s A Lovebeat”, The DiFranco Family - Agreed. I think that people's dislike of it is because they've outgrown it. It was quite well-produced. This was one of the indicators that record production/studio techniques were moving onward and upward. Songs in general of around that time were a far cry from stuff that had preceded it just maybe 2 or 3 years earlier! I know I'm making it sound like it was a landmark musical achievement (it wasn't). So please don't think that! Still, I can't even remember any Osmond records that had such arrangements!

Also, for the benefit of those who did not see my Facebook comments for whatever reason, "Undercover Angel" by Alan O'Day and "Torn Between Two Lovers" by Mary MacGregor make the list. And another I didn't mention (which I hated at the time but don't mind now) is "Good Times" by Chic.

[yellojkt]

I put together a worst songs list a few years back but I restricted it to the 70s and they had to be number 1 hits. And the songs on my list were a lot worse. As our yours.